Eyes on me

A friend of mine is conducting a research project investigating drivers’ actions, responses and distractions. He has published in a similar vein on pilots. Last night he brought two movie cameras over and mounted them in my car, one on the dash and one on the back seat. At first I was very conscious of these ‘eyes’ on me. I didn’t primp my hair in the mirror, make mobile calls or let myself be distracted by the scenery... but eventually I relaxed into the situation and drove nearly normally.

The funny thing was that as I picked through the vegetables at Choku Bai Jo I still had the sensation of being on camera. I thought about how an onlooker might interpret my movements and facial expressions. Shades of The Truman Show? I often imagine what the people around me are thinking about. Perhaps they are pretty much the same as me. My mind is often pretty blank or worrying about what I am to do next rather than in the moment. I doubt my facial expressions have more than a fleeting connection to what is actually happening to or around me.

The feeling I have when the camera is on is akin to the one I feel writing this blog. I feel like a character on the blog. Not only my writing is crafted but so is my self. In fact the very crafting of the writing forces me to condense this self. The elements that are the self in this particular situation or recollection are gathered into words inadequate to the task. So many complexities and layers of self lie between my brain, my fingers and the paltry words that spill onto the screen. Still words are the only way I have of communicating with you. Heaven knows how your brain receives anything half like what my brain sent out!